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THE IRISH PROSTITUTE
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.
Upon her return, her father cursed her heavily.
Where have ye been all this time, child?
Why did ye not write to us, not even a line?
Why didn't ye call?
Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'
The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff... Dad.... I became a prostitute.'
'Ye what!!?
Get outta here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner!
You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad... as ye wish.
I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex.
And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'
'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff... a prostitute, Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'
'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl!
I thought ye said a Protestant.
Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!!'
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.
Upon her return, her father cursed her heavily.
Where have ye been all this time, child?
Why did ye not write to us, not even a line?
Why didn't ye call?
Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'
The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff... Dad.... I became a prostitute.'
'Ye what!!?
Get outta here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner!
You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad... as ye wish.
I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex.
And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'
'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff... a prostitute, Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'
'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl!
I thought ye said a Protestant.
Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!!'
- VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES ---
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think men care.
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%...
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think men care.
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%...
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
[imgr]http://i.imgur.com/SUCUL.jpg[/imgr]'Jackass' Star Ryan Dunn Dead: Alcohol Involved?
Jackass star Ryan Dunn was killed in a fiery crash along with a passenger on Route 322 near West Goshen Township, Pa around 3 a.m. That is just one hour after closing time at most bars. Just hours before the crash, Dunn tweeted pictures of himself and two friends drinking.
Due to the time of the crash and the drinking pictures, it is easy to surmise that alcohol may have had something to do with the crash that took the Jackass star's life. Because there was so little left of the car after the wreck, police are not sure if Ryan Dunn was driving the car at this point.
He must have been having fun because it was Dunn's first tweet since June 14 when he tweeted, "Premier of proving ground tonight at 8 on G4." Last night's tweet was simply a picture. Unfortunately the pic of three friends drinking ended up being a harbinger of the terrible death in the Jackass star's Porsche to come just a few hours later.
Obviously it is not okay to drink and drive. If alcohol turns out to be the cause of this terrible crash, hopefully it will serve as a wakeup call for others who are tempted to drink and drive.
Jackass star Ryan Dunn was killed in a fiery crash along with a passenger on Route 322 near West Goshen Township, Pa around 3 a.m. That is just one hour after closing time at most bars. Just hours before the crash, Dunn tweeted pictures of himself and two friends drinking.
Due to the time of the crash and the drinking pictures, it is easy to surmise that alcohol may have had something to do with the crash that took the Jackass star's life. Because there was so little left of the car after the wreck, police are not sure if Ryan Dunn was driving the car at this point.
He must have been having fun because it was Dunn's first tweet since June 14 when he tweeted, "Premier of proving ground tonight at 8 on G4." Last night's tweet was simply a picture. Unfortunately the pic of three friends drinking ended up being a harbinger of the terrible death in the Jackass star's Porsche to come just a few hours later.
Obviously it is not okay to drink and drive. If alcohol turns out to be the cause of this terrible crash, hopefully it will serve as a wakeup call for others who are tempted to drink and drive.
