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Spam post (alt av rimmel å rammel)
Bjørnen og haren
En bjørn og en hare stod i skogen og kranglet som bare f... Gode venner kan man altså ikke si at de var. Plutselig dukket skogfeen opp. Hun beklaget at disse to var slike uvenner og ville derfor gi dem 3 ønsker slik at de skulle ha noe annet å konsentrere seg om enn uvennskapet. Først ute var bjørnen: Eh, jeg ønsker at alle de andre bjørnene i denne skogen var binner". "Ok," sa feen og vips sa var alle de andre bjørnene i skogen binner. Så sa hun til haren: "Hva vil du ha som første ønske?" "Jeg vil ha en styrthjelm," sa haren. En styrthjelm?" sa feen. "Vel, vel, ok," og vips hadde haren en styrthjelm. Sa var det bjørnens andre ønske: "Da vil jeg at alle bjørnene i naboskogen var binner." Vips sa var alle bjørnene i naboskogen binner. Så var det harens andre ønske: "Jeg vil ha en motorsykkel," sa haren og vips stod det en motorsykkel der. "Så var det ditt siste ønske", sa feen til bjørnen. Bjørnen siklet nå noe forferdelig og skalv over hele kroppen av forventning: "Jeg ønsker at alle andre bjørner i hele verden var binner". Og vips var bjørn eneste hannbjørn i hele verden. Så snudde feen seg for siste gang til haren for a høre det tredje ønske hans. Haren tok seg god tid, tok på seg styrthjelmen, satte seg opp på motorsykkelen, startet opp og sa: "Da ønsker jeg at denne bjørnen her blir homo!"
Fremmedlegionen
En kaptein i fremmedlegionen ble overført til en garnison langt ute i ørkenen. På sin vandring rundt for å bli kjent i leiren, la han merke til en gammel, sliten kamel som var bundet fast til en av kasernene. Han spurte en sersjant hva kamelen var til. "Vel," sa sersjanten, "du vet at vi er rimelig langt unna det meste, og soldatene har jo sine drifter, så når de er nødne, så... eh.... har vi kamelen." "Ja, hvis det er bra for moralen så er det helt i orden for meg," sa kapteinen.
Etter å ha vært i leiren i 6 måneder klarte ikke kapteinen å holde seg lenger, så han kommanderte sersjanten til å hente kamelen til ham. Sersjanten trakk på skuldrene og førte kamelen bort til kapteinen. Kapteinen hentet seg en stol, stilte den bak kamelen og klatret opp... Etter en stund ble han ferdig, og krabbet fornøyd ned fra stolen og knappet igjen buksesmekken. Han så bort på sersjanten, rettet opp ryggen, kneiste med nakken og spurte:
"Nå? Gjorde jeg det like bra som soldatene?" "Vel, kaptein," svarte sersjanten, "vanligvis bruker de bare kamelen til å komme seg ned til byen..."
AIDS
En homoseksuell fyr går til legen og får tatt noen prøver.
Legen kommer tilbake og sier: "Jeg sier det som det er: Du har AIDS."
Fyren er lamslått. "Doktor, er det ikke noe jeg kan gjøre?"
"Du skal gå hjem og spise 2 kg krydrede pølser, et kålhode, 20 uskrelte
gulrøtter i sterk saus, 10 hele chili, 40 valnøtter, en eske cornflakes
og avslutt med 4 liter sviskejuice."
Fyren spør: "Vil det kurere meg, doktor?"
"Nei. Men det vil lære deg hva rasshølet er til."
Tennisalbue
Albert fikk seg en skikkelig tennisalbu og bestemte seg for å ta en tur til legen. Da han ankom legekontoret fortalte resepsjonisten at legen var klar om et kvarter, men først måtte han avgi en urinprøve. Albert mente dette var bare tull, men resepsjonisten insisterte og Albert ga seg. Et kvarter senere ble Albert sent inn til legen."Så det er en veldig vond tennisalbu du har fått deg?" sa legen. "Det må resepsjonisten ha fortalt deg", svarte Albert. "Nei, det var i urinanalysen din", sa legen og fortsatte med å fortelle at han hadde akkurat kjøpt denne her nye maskinen som kunne diagnosere enhver fysisk tilstand med 100% nøyaktighet. Albert trodde ikke noe på dette, men sa seg enig i å ha med en ny urinprøve da han skulle tilbake til en resjekk. To dager senere, da Albert satt ved frokostbordet sammen med sin kone og tenåringsdatter, fortalte han dem om denne latterlige maskinen. De bestemte seg for å ha litt moro med legen, og alle tre pisset på flaska, og da Albert gikk til garasjen for å starte bilen, fikk han en lys ide. Han tok noen dråper olje fra bilens motor og hadde oppi urinprøven, masturberte og kompletterte urinprøven med et par dråper sæd, ristet flasken og kjørte til legekontoret og ga den til resepsjonisten. Etter en god stund ble han kalt inn til legen. Legen så på ham og sa: "Jeg har noen dårlige nyheter til deg, smarting! Din datter er gravid, din kone har gonorre, bilen din er i ferd med å blåse et stempel, og dersom du ikke slutter å masturbere, blir denne tennisalbuen din aldri bra!"[hr]Birtdaypresent
Dave's wife decides he deserves a special present for his birthday, so she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doing?"
The wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He works out at the gym with me."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser.
The wife is now becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser"."No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"The wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots his wife getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, Dave jumps in beside her. Right away she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."
The Blonde and the Cute Sheep
Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later,
as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.
Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"
The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure!"
The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said,"352."
This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably,totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal.
Take your pick of my flock."
The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.
When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color,
can I have my dog back?"
Hotel room
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he
does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll
forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."
3 blondes
A guy is having a drink in a very dark bar. He leans over to the big woman next to him and says, "Do you wanna hear a funny blonde joke?" The big woman
replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm blonde, six feet tall, 210 lb., and I'm a professional triathlete and bodybuilder. The blonde
woman sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 220 lb., and she's an ex-professional wrestler. Next to her is a blonde who's 6'5", weighs 250 lb., and she's a current
professional kick boxer. Now, do you still want to tell that blonde joke?" The guy thinks about it a second and says, "No, not if I'm going to have to explain it
three times".
Nothings like a free meal
A guy sits down in a Cafe' and asks for the hot chile. The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl." So, he gets a cup of coffee. Then he sees that the guy next to him has finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full. He says, "Are you going to eat that?" The other guy says, "No. You can have it." The guy takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, he sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes the chili back into the bowl. The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."
Sleeping carriage
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.After the initial embarrassment they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says "I'm sorry to bother you but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and with a glint in his eye says "I've got a better idea... let's pretend we're married."
"Why not" giggles the woman. "Good" he replies. "Get your own damn blanket."
The programmer and the engineer...
A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The Programmer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains 'I ask you a question , and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.'
Again, the Engineer politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says 'OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!'
This catches the Engineer's complete attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the earth to the moon?' The Engineer doesn't say a word, reaches in to his wallet, pull out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the Programmer.
Now, it's the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer: 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows.
All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The Programmer, more that a little miffed, shakes the Engineer and asks, 'Well, so what IS the answer?' Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the Programmer $5 and goes back to sleep.
THE LITTLE OLD LADY AND THE BET
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, It's a lot of money. After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right|). The bank's president then asked her how much she would deposit. She replied, 165,000 and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, I make bets. The president then asked, Bets? What kind of bets? The old woman said, Well, for example, I'll bet you 25,000 that your balls are square. Ha, laughed the president, That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet.The little old lady challenged, So, would you like to take my bet? Sure, said the president, I'll bet 25,000 that my balls are not square.The little old lady then said, Okay, but since there is a lot a lot of money involved, may Ibring my lawyer with me tommorrow at 10:00 am as a witness? Sure, replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side again & again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: 25,000 says the president's balls are square. The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so could al see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. Well, Okay , said the president, 25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure. Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, What the hell's the matter with your lawyer? She replied, Nothing, except I bet him 100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand.
In the church
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at her church. "Reverend," she said, " I have a problem--my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I'll be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg.
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "...And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones. "Jesus!" cried Mr. Jones as his wife jabbed him in the leg with the hatpin. "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister.
Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones. "God!" cried out Mr. Jones as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again, Mr. Jones," said the minister, smiling and continuing his sermon.
Before long, Mr. Jones dozed off again. However, this time the minister didn't notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to wake her husband again. She was just sticking her husband with the hatpin again when the minister asked, "...And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mr. Jones shrieked, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass!!!!"
The sermon was over.
En bjørn og en hare stod i skogen og kranglet som bare f... Gode venner kan man altså ikke si at de var. Plutselig dukket skogfeen opp. Hun beklaget at disse to var slike uvenner og ville derfor gi dem 3 ønsker slik at de skulle ha noe annet å konsentrere seg om enn uvennskapet. Først ute var bjørnen: Eh, jeg ønsker at alle de andre bjørnene i denne skogen var binner". "Ok," sa feen og vips sa var alle de andre bjørnene i skogen binner. Så sa hun til haren: "Hva vil du ha som første ønske?" "Jeg vil ha en styrthjelm," sa haren. En styrthjelm?" sa feen. "Vel, vel, ok," og vips hadde haren en styrthjelm. Sa var det bjørnens andre ønske: "Da vil jeg at alle bjørnene i naboskogen var binner." Vips sa var alle bjørnene i naboskogen binner. Så var det harens andre ønske: "Jeg vil ha en motorsykkel," sa haren og vips stod det en motorsykkel der. "Så var det ditt siste ønske", sa feen til bjørnen. Bjørnen siklet nå noe forferdelig og skalv over hele kroppen av forventning: "Jeg ønsker at alle andre bjørner i hele verden var binner". Og vips var bjørn eneste hannbjørn i hele verden. Så snudde feen seg for siste gang til haren for a høre det tredje ønske hans. Haren tok seg god tid, tok på seg styrthjelmen, satte seg opp på motorsykkelen, startet opp og sa: "Da ønsker jeg at denne bjørnen her blir homo!"
Fremmedlegionen
En kaptein i fremmedlegionen ble overført til en garnison langt ute i ørkenen. På sin vandring rundt for å bli kjent i leiren, la han merke til en gammel, sliten kamel som var bundet fast til en av kasernene. Han spurte en sersjant hva kamelen var til. "Vel," sa sersjanten, "du vet at vi er rimelig langt unna det meste, og soldatene har jo sine drifter, så når de er nødne, så... eh.... har vi kamelen." "Ja, hvis det er bra for moralen så er det helt i orden for meg," sa kapteinen.
Etter å ha vært i leiren i 6 måneder klarte ikke kapteinen å holde seg lenger, så han kommanderte sersjanten til å hente kamelen til ham. Sersjanten trakk på skuldrene og førte kamelen bort til kapteinen. Kapteinen hentet seg en stol, stilte den bak kamelen og klatret opp... Etter en stund ble han ferdig, og krabbet fornøyd ned fra stolen og knappet igjen buksesmekken. Han så bort på sersjanten, rettet opp ryggen, kneiste med nakken og spurte:
"Nå? Gjorde jeg det like bra som soldatene?" "Vel, kaptein," svarte sersjanten, "vanligvis bruker de bare kamelen til å komme seg ned til byen..."
AIDS
En homoseksuell fyr går til legen og får tatt noen prøver.
Legen kommer tilbake og sier: "Jeg sier det som det er: Du har AIDS."
Fyren er lamslått. "Doktor, er det ikke noe jeg kan gjøre?"
"Du skal gå hjem og spise 2 kg krydrede pølser, et kålhode, 20 uskrelte
gulrøtter i sterk saus, 10 hele chili, 40 valnøtter, en eske cornflakes
og avslutt med 4 liter sviskejuice."
Fyren spør: "Vil det kurere meg, doktor?"
"Nei. Men det vil lære deg hva rasshølet er til."
Tennisalbue
Albert fikk seg en skikkelig tennisalbu og bestemte seg for å ta en tur til legen. Da han ankom legekontoret fortalte resepsjonisten at legen var klar om et kvarter, men først måtte han avgi en urinprøve. Albert mente dette var bare tull, men resepsjonisten insisterte og Albert ga seg. Et kvarter senere ble Albert sent inn til legen."Så det er en veldig vond tennisalbu du har fått deg?" sa legen. "Det må resepsjonisten ha fortalt deg", svarte Albert. "Nei, det var i urinanalysen din", sa legen og fortsatte med å fortelle at han hadde akkurat kjøpt denne her nye maskinen som kunne diagnosere enhver fysisk tilstand med 100% nøyaktighet. Albert trodde ikke noe på dette, men sa seg enig i å ha med en ny urinprøve da han skulle tilbake til en resjekk. To dager senere, da Albert satt ved frokostbordet sammen med sin kone og tenåringsdatter, fortalte han dem om denne latterlige maskinen. De bestemte seg for å ha litt moro med legen, og alle tre pisset på flaska, og da Albert gikk til garasjen for å starte bilen, fikk han en lys ide. Han tok noen dråper olje fra bilens motor og hadde oppi urinprøven, masturberte og kompletterte urinprøven med et par dråper sæd, ristet flasken og kjørte til legekontoret og ga den til resepsjonisten. Etter en god stund ble han kalt inn til legen. Legen så på ham og sa: "Jeg har noen dårlige nyheter til deg, smarting! Din datter er gravid, din kone har gonorre, bilen din er i ferd med å blåse et stempel, og dersom du ikke slutter å masturbere, blir denne tennisalbuen din aldri bra!"[hr]Birtdaypresent
Dave's wife decides he deserves a special present for his birthday, so she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doing?"
The wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He works out at the gym with me."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser.
The wife is now becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser"."No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"The wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots his wife getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, Dave jumps in beside her. Right away she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."
The Blonde and the Cute Sheep
Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later,
as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.
Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"
The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure!"
The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said,"352."
This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably,totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal.
Take your pick of my flock."
The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.
When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color,
can I have my dog back?"
Hotel room
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he
does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll
forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."
3 blondes
A guy is having a drink in a very dark bar. He leans over to the big woman next to him and says, "Do you wanna hear a funny blonde joke?" The big woman
replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm blonde, six feet tall, 210 lb., and I'm a professional triathlete and bodybuilder. The blonde
woman sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 220 lb., and she's an ex-professional wrestler. Next to her is a blonde who's 6'5", weighs 250 lb., and she's a current
professional kick boxer. Now, do you still want to tell that blonde joke?" The guy thinks about it a second and says, "No, not if I'm going to have to explain it
three times".
Nothings like a free meal
A guy sits down in a Cafe' and asks for the hot chile. The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl." So, he gets a cup of coffee. Then he sees that the guy next to him has finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full. He says, "Are you going to eat that?" The other guy says, "No. You can have it." The guy takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, he sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes the chili back into the bowl. The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."
Sleeping carriage
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.After the initial embarrassment they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says "I'm sorry to bother you but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and with a glint in his eye says "I've got a better idea... let's pretend we're married."
"Why not" giggles the woman. "Good" he replies. "Get your own damn blanket."
The programmer and the engineer...
A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The Programmer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains 'I ask you a question , and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.'
Again, the Engineer politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says 'OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!'
This catches the Engineer's complete attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the earth to the moon?' The Engineer doesn't say a word, reaches in to his wallet, pull out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the Programmer.
Now, it's the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer: 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows.
All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The Programmer, more that a little miffed, shakes the Engineer and asks, 'Well, so what IS the answer?' Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the Programmer $5 and goes back to sleep.
THE LITTLE OLD LADY AND THE BET
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, It's a lot of money. After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right|). The bank's president then asked her how much she would deposit. She replied, 165,000 and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, I make bets. The president then asked, Bets? What kind of bets? The old woman said, Well, for example, I'll bet you 25,000 that your balls are square. Ha, laughed the president, That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet.The little old lady challenged, So, would you like to take my bet? Sure, said the president, I'll bet 25,000 that my balls are not square.The little old lady then said, Okay, but since there is a lot a lot of money involved, may Ibring my lawyer with me tommorrow at 10:00 am as a witness? Sure, replied the confident president. That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side again & again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: 25,000 says the president's balls are square. The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so could al see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. Well, Okay , said the president, 25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure. Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, What the hell's the matter with your lawyer? She replied, Nothing, except I bet him 100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand.
In the church
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at her church. "Reverend," she said, " I have a problem--my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I'll be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg.
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "...And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones. "Jesus!" cried Mr. Jones as his wife jabbed him in the leg with the hatpin. "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister.
Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones. "God!" cried out Mr. Jones as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again, Mr. Jones," said the minister, smiling and continuing his sermon.
Before long, Mr. Jones dozed off again. However, this time the minister didn't notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to wake her husband again. She was just sticking her husband with the hatpin again when the minister asked, "...And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mr. Jones shrieked, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass!!!!"
The sermon was over.
